Meet my guest Melissa Stuart. Melissa is an audacity and purpose coach. She helps her clients embrace their true self to align with their purpose and manifest their wildest dreams.
She says to live with audacity, you need to get really authentic and honest with yourself about who you are, what your experiences are, who you like being around what type of people you like working with.
So this interview with Melissa fits in with my episode 23) Social Clutter and full calendars where I talk about how to align your calendar and your social circles with your priorities. To make sure you can spend quality time with the people that are the most important to you and to say no to others that are possibly draining your energy.
What you'll discover in this episode:
- What it means to live with audacity
- Why she says she disagrees with wanting to make other people happy
- why loving communication is the absolute number one foundation for starting to change yourself and starting to speak up for yourself.
If you find value in this conversation with Melissa please share the episode with your family and friends because if you find value in it, they will too.
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Melissa Stuart is an audacity and purpose coach and the host of the Live with Audacity podcast. Her mission in the world is to help women realize they were made for a unique purpose to serve others with their gifts and talents. She helps her clients embrace their true self to align with their purpose and manifest their wildest dreams. She helps them overcome their fear of the unknown to experience joy, fulfillment, and abundance by living with audacity.
- If you want to know more about my background check out my about page
- Check out the eBook From Chaos to Peace - a simple program to clear your clutter and change your life that I co-authored with my friend Vicki McLeod
- Join my Facebook Community
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Reading instead of Listening (Transcript)
Melissa Stuart 0:06
Welcome Melissa I'm so excited to have you on the show.
Thank you so much for having me. I think we're gonna have so much fun today.
Conny Graf 0:14
I'm pretty sure we do. So, tell us a little bit of you who are you and what are you doing what what are you helping your people with.
Melissa Stuart 0:24
Okay, so I am a audacity and purpose coach My name is Melissa Stewart and I host a podcast called Live with Audacity. And basically my mission in life is to get people to understand that they have unique gifts and talents to serve the world. And when they do that, they can be more fulfilled and have more joy and just be so much happier in their lives. And I think I have been finding lately that a lot of times people know what their purposes but they're actually not totally sure how to live out their purpose, and how to help other people. So that's what I help with as well is getting them really aligned and really doing the things that really excite them and just make them, so excited to show up for their communities.
Conny Graf 1:24
So you think the main reason is that they don't know how to go about it so where would you suggest, like if somebody listens to this now where would you suggest that they start, like, obviously, probably hiring you but if.
Melissa Stuart 1:40
Right. Yeah, exactly.
Conny Graf 1:43
Maybe they want to DIY at first a little bit so where would you suggest they start.
Melissa Stuart 1:47
Yeah, absolutely. So, I would highly suggest that you get really really really authentic and honest with yourself about who you are, what your experiences are, who you like being around what type of people you like working with. I actually have a client right now who sells lashes. And she's like, I want to talk to Dance Moms and pageant moms I'm like, cool. You're super on the right track. But when we start talking to all of these people, you're gonna start realizing the people that you really gravitate toward. And you're gonna start realizing the people that you gravitate away from. And you can really start to narrow down the people that you really that just make you so excited to to work with right I would say, think about who the type of people that you really really want to be in their energy. And then also thinking about how you want to be in their energy and how you want to air quotes. So, I guess, because I think a lot of times, especially when we get into online business, we start looking around to everyone and we're like okay I have to have a freebie okay I have to have a podcast. Okay, I have to have a face I have to do this I have to do that. And like there's a blueprint for people, but there really isn't. And a lot of times people just don't understand that they actually can do what they really want to do. You know, I talked to someone. A couple weeks ago and she was like I love doing my podcast but coaches told me all the time since it doesn't bring me money to stop doing my podcast so I'm like, that's crazy town, because if it brings you joy and happiness you need to be doing more and more and more of that. And then people are gonna start hearing your passion and your and your fire inside of you about that thing about that, about that subject. And they're really going to start gravitating towards you, because they can feel your fire for for that thing.
Unknown Speaker 4:10
I totally agree with that i mean you can't just only do what brings money that would be silly. Especially not when we want to live authentically and and follow our passions. But now what I feel is what a lot of people also struggle with and you can correct me if I'm wrong but I'm thinking like a lot of people have trouble actually really living authentically and living their passion because they always... so a they wonder what are other people thinking about me and it's kind of like, oh I can't do it. Or they're people pleasers and they're thinking they have to make the people around them happy and if they make themselves happy then that's not going to happen. So what is your take on that.
Unknown Speaker 5:01
Yeah, I totally disagree with that. I disagree that people should work on making other people happy and that will make them happy. Hundred percent that's not true. People are going to talk about you and have an opinion about what you're doing, no matter what you do, you can be pleasing. All the people and do everything that everybody else wants you to do. They're still going to be to at least two people who don't like what you're doing. You. And then one other person that's going to be like well I just didn't like that you said this or I didn't like that you did that and, or, or you sold a group course and I would rather work one on one with you or whatever. Um, so there's always going to be at least two people disappointed in you, doing things for other people. So at the end of the day, if you can show up authentically and be your true self and be okay with that and be confident in who that person is. People are still going to talk right like it's okay let them talk, but the person that really really matters at the end of the day is you, and you knowing that you're showing up in the absolute best way that you can. And then you're like I said, again, the people that resonate with that are going to start to find you, they're gonna, they're going to start locating you they're going to be drawn to you naturally because they're, you know, everything out of your mouth they're gonna be like, Yes, exactly. You know I totally get this person and they get, I feel like they get me. But when you're pretending to be somebody that you're not. You're always second guessing. Every word out of your mouth. Am I offending someone, am I, you know not saying the right thing. Do my clients want a group course or do they want one on one coaching, it doesn't really matter what air quote, they want, what matters is how you're going to show up for that thing that you pick right so if I want to do one on one coaching and that just lights me up and just makes me so excited. I'm going to find more one on one clients because they're going to be able to feel that energy in that happiness and that joy seeping through my pores right and they're and they're going to be just drawn to that.
Conny Graf 7:29
Yeah,, but it's still funny because I think a lot of people don't see it that way because I see sometimes comments where somebody says, Oh I followed her podcast or I watched her YouTube videos or whatever and then I met her in person and I was so surprised. She's really exactly how she is in the video or in the podcast and I'm like, Well I hope so, but people are surprised.
Melissa Stuart 7:54
Well, and I think too right because our society is basically built around. Do it like this. I mean, if you watch the news, you notice that all anchors speak the same way, they all speak the same way, because they weren't taught to do that right like yeah it's totally canned, it's, it's totally fake, and they work for someone else right so they're not really allowed to be themselves and that's fine. But, like, as a podcaster. I get to be myself I get to, I get to shape this and build it to be anything that I want. If I'm busy looking outside of myself, you know they're they're there. I'm not saying that you can't look at other people's structures and say, Hmm, I really like this about this podcast. I like this about this podcast and kind of weave it all together. But you don't have to do everything exactly like somebody else like make it your own. Step into that power of being you, and then it just is so much more fun to show up because you're like hey guys it's just me. I hang out.
Conny Graf 9:02
Yeah. Yeah, totally. So, here on my podcast we talk about decluttering and focusing what really matters. And a lot of times I talk about mental clutter and that's basically what you're talking about too and you have i saw i snooped around on your website. I saw that you when you help clients, kind of have like a two step process you identify your dreams I wrote it down here so I can open up that so I don't mess it up and identify your dreams, passion and bring out your authenticity is step one, and then step two, you say we work to release embrace and embody and I'm of course interested in the release part, because that is like how you let go of your limiting beliefs, most likely, all that. Exactly. If that is not really us so you have some practical tips how people can do that like how do you take them through a special process in the Rams stage.
Melissa Stuart 10:04
Yeah, absolutely. So a lot of the ways that we are were instilled in us as children. And, you know, our experiences that we've had since childhood. The places we've lived our parents and how they raised us, our siblings and how they were with us and our friends and so all of those things, weave together to help build the person that we are today. And I think a lot of times people, when they are people pleasers, and they are scared to start being themselves. They have that little voice inside of their head, that is someone from their past, you know, a lot of times I have found that it's somebody's mom or dad, that kind of put these constraints and structures on them that, you know, sit pretty and don't speak unless spoken to, and, you know,
don't really be yourself right like our, our generation grew up with parents that are, that were still like not really interested in kids being themselves, and being authentic, they had to be kids that were brag worthy right like she's gotta be pretty Oh she's got to be sweet oh she's got to be smart and she's got to be successful and she's got to be you know head cheerleader and she's got to be all these things so that it looks good to other people, rather than us digging into who is the child themselves and what do they like and what are they interested in and and things like that and and it's no fault of anyone else's right like that's just our society and kind of how kind of how things were built. But when we can start to dig into those things and those stories and help you change those stories of my, my mom would kill me if I was saying this out loud to like my mom did the best that she could with what she had and this is all she knew at the time I know my mom loves me and she cares about me and she truly just wants the best for me, and maybe even being able to go back and have those conversations with your parents and say, Hey, I'm kind of struggling with this, like, you know, I'm just being able to have those open conversations with your with your family. That does not always happen. But you can rewrite the stories, and you can see your, your family, your parents, your friends from a different perspective, and help you really work through those things.
It's starting small to step into into who you really are. I mean just even like you know when someone says, hey, let's go out to dinner, and everyone's like, Oh, I love sushi, and you're like, I don't really like sushi but I'll go because it's what everybody else likes. Speak up, say like, Oh guys I know y'all love sushi but I'm just really not a fan Can we go somewhere else. 99% of the time your friends are going to be like yeah absolutely Of course we can like we want you to be happy too. But we're just so built on like don't rock the boat, don't bother people don't be difficult, you know, go with the flow. All these things that we don't we don't ever end up speaking up, even for the tiny things like going out to dinner somewhere. So I would highly encourage you, even if it's just dinner or it's just like what you're watching on TV with your spouse, like, speak up and and say, Hey, you know, I can say this in a loving manner. I'm just not a huge fan of Indiana Jones like I would choose something else that we can both enjoy. So that's, that would be my suggestion is just start, start small.
Conny Graf 14:23
Yeah, I totally love that because that's what I'm teaching my clients to when they want to start decluttering the misconception is always like, Oh, you have to have a whole weekend to declutter which is not true because if you do that then you may change something for a few days but most of the time, nothing changes because there are all this clutter creeps back in and I would think. Same with this if you're just trying to become somebody completely different overnight, that's not gonna work you have to start small and I can totally relate with that what you said about growing up so what I always heard was, what would the neighbors think, like if you don't like
Melissa Stuart 15:19
who cares about these neighbors.
Conny Graf 15:21
I know and you can laugh like hell but so when I grew up. Jeans jackets were becoming popular and I wanted to have a jeans jacket and my mother's like, no, what would the neighbors think you're a rocker.
Melissa Stuart 15:37
Oh my gosh. Isn't that so hilarious.
Conny Graf 15:40
Yeah, but then you know what I noticed about myself is like you said we get these messages when we're little when we're a child. But when we're adults, they're so strong sometimes that we are the worst critic or we are the worst enforcer of these ones, even though we know there are restricting us and they're keeping us small, and we're still the worst like beating ourselves up like you said, other people would say yeah of course we can go somewhere else but we think, oh my god now I made everybody. I inconvenienced, everybody or I made everybody yeah so it's.
Melissa Stuart 16:21
Yeah, I think, just really matters how you say things too right like you don't have to be all pushy and barbaric and like bull in a china cabinet and be like, no, we're absolutely not going to go have sushi, you can do it lovingly and honestly and just be like, Oh, I so hate to be a pain. I'm just really not a fan. Can we try something like, let's go to for Chinese it's so Asian, you know, whatever. And you can make those compromises. And, and, but also really make yourself happy and then you know your friends are really going to start respecting you more to for standing up for yourself and then also when you start standing up for yourself. And, and speaking your truth, even just in those tiny ways, you're going to encourage someone else inadvertently to do the same thing for themselves. So it just becomes a ripple effect, and people start be more authentic and more honest and more openly communicative with each other. And then I think we start to understand each other better like oh okay I totally get that now. And so, yeah, I don't know, I think, loving communication is the absolute number one foundation for starting to change yourself and starting to speak up for yourself. And real quick, you said. People always think that they need to take a weekend to declutter and all this stuff do you find. I know I'm not the podcaster or the interviewer but
Conny Graf 17:58
you can do what you want.
Melissa Stuart 18:00
Do you feel like when you are coaching people on decluttering that they feel like they have to hold on to stuff because someone gave it to them and they would feel awful about how they would feel if they got rid of it.
Conny Graf 18:13
Yeah, totally. Gifts is one of the hardest things for people to let go, and even worse is things they inherited from people that passed. You know, I just had that discussion last weekend where somebody was saying that she has a box full of China in her garage. I was from her mother, and she can't let it go, but she wouldn't want to use it either because it's not what she would use and I said, but you, and she and I said so why can't you let, let it go and she says, well, it meant a lot to my mother and I said yeah but it doesn't seem to mean a lot to you when you have it in a box in the garage. All right.
Melissa Stuart 18:53
Well, I think, too, like, I think a different way people can look at that too is is number one your mom would never want you to feel anxious and guilty about the China, because she obviously as your mom cares more about you and your feelings and your heart, than she does, about a box of China but also like selling the box of China might bring so much joy to someone else. And that item can bring joy to someone else, which also would honor your mom's memory and say like, I know you love this so much. I'm going to pass it on to someone else that is going to get so much love and and joy out of this item too, and and so you can honor your, you can honor honor your deceased family members in that way and say, I this joy needs to go somewhere because it's not bringing me joy.
Conny Graf 19:55
Yeah, you're totally on the right track that's totally what I'm coaching my clients on and it's still like. It's so deep in us that, oh my god we can do that or oh my god it meant so much for her or what would, again, what would my fam, other family members think if I just give it away or if I just throw it out, or if I sell
Melissa Stuart 20:21
and give it to them so they can be, but
Conny Graf 20:25
they don't want to either, but they would judge you for giving it away so and this is where you then are not in you're authentic self because you're just basically doing what what you want from you are, what do you think they expect from you and like you said you if you would stand up for what you believe, then the others would respect you more and the less you do it, the less they think they can push you to do what they think you need to do you know
Melissa Stuart 20:56
exactly what I think too like I'm kind of sassy when it comes to that sort of thing like, Oh, you don't want it but you don't want me to get rid of it. Cool. I'm giving you seven days notice if this means as much to you as you're saying it does, then either come get it or it's going somewhere else. And, and I think, like, again, you don't have to be a bull in a china cabinet about it you can just be lovingly honest and be like, I appreciate that this means that much to you, but it doesn't bring me joy and, and I need to get rid of it so if you want it. of course it's I'm more than happy to let you have it. If you don't, that's okay too but you're gonna have to be okay with me getting rid of it.
Conny Graf 21:44
Yeah, totally. And I think it's also more honest like we're. What I noticed too is like with people pleasers or with people who always think what would the neighbor think which pops in my head a lot Do I have to actively push against that too. But you're not, you're not. You're not honest so podcast I listen to the Brooke Castillo's The Life Coach School she says people pleasers are liars and in a way it's true because you're saying what you're really, you're not telling the truth, you know, and I, you're people pleasing and then on top of it. What I find interesting is to when you're a people pleaser you. You want to know what the other person wants, and then you're trying to fulfill that but at the same time you don't do the same for you so it's very imbalanced relationship in a way you know it's like
Melissa Stuart 22:38
right well and I think too like when you are air quote dishonest about what your feelings really are. And then you kind of build this relationship on what the other person thinks or wants. Then when you do get tired of it and you're like, Dude I'm just so tired of you being selfish, the other person is like, wait, what? like this is coming out of left field Why didn't I know any of this, and then you start to feel like whoa oh my gosh like also have I done to upset you or, you know, have you been talking about me behind my back because I upset you. And you didn't have the courage to tell me you know and so it just, it brings a whole nother weird layer to your relationship when you could just be completely, totally honest with your friend or your family member, and tell them what's going on.
Conny Graf 23:33
Yeah, exactly, and life becomes easier I think if we could just get over ourselves and say what we think, life would be so much easier so much less drama too,
Melissa Stuart 23:44
you know, yeah and I think too like there are going to be times right when you speak up and you're like hey this really bothered me that you did this people sometimes do get defensive and they'll turn things around on you and, you know, in those experiences you get to understand and realize what people are truly like and you get to make the decision like hey, maybe this person isn't the right person for me to be spending my time with. So I think the only thing that can come out of complete honesty is his, his goodness right like you, now you get to start seeing people for who they really are and choose who you have in your circle. And, and everyone gets to thrive more when they're around people that understand them and get them. I have been in situations where I had a group of friends that were not honest about how they felt about things and and things like that and then then it started to feel like I was always anxious to go be around them like am I going to say something wrong I'm gonna do something wrong, am I I can't be myself, because they weren't being themselves. Right. And it just got it just felt yucky and gross and so
Conny Graf 25:06
yeah lots of drama and lots of, like, I call them, energy vampires no like I feel so drained when you finally get away from them again so
Melissa Stuart 25:16
hundred percent yeah totally I completely agree.
Conny Graf 25:19
Yeah. So were you always that smart, or was there something in your life that happened where you might be different when you were younger and then something happened and that's how you step into your authenticity and became or started living the way you are right now or were you just always like this.
Melissa Stuart 25:44
I think it's, um, a bit of both. I've always been pretty filterless, and have just blurted things out. I have friends from elementary school that will tell me things that I said when we were young and I'm like, oh my god who would never say that like it's crazy. But I think as I've gotten older, there. Again, there was a there was a very big space of time where I just didn't even like who I was because I felt like there was no safe space to be myself and I felt overly criticized for being audacious or or saying what was on my mind and things like that. I have learned, though, that there's a big difference between saying what's on your mind and being really hurtful. Right, like I can say what's on my mind now in a loving honest way when before I couldn't do that. And so my own personal growth journey has really has really helped with that. And, yes, I have always been kind of sassy and audacious but also I've learned to harness it quite a bit more, and use it to my advantage and and really realize it's not a weakness. It's one of my greatest, greatest strengths. I've just had to learn how to utilize it properly. And I think that's true of a lot of things that, you know, a lot of unique characteristics and traits that we're born with and we grow up with, you know, a lot of times if they don't fit the norm or or whatever we feel weird and we feel out of place. But at the end of the day it was given to us for a reason, and we have to figure out what the reason is that that that was given to us. And then also, again how to harness it and and use it to our advantage and use it in the way that was intended.
Conny Graf 27:59
So true. So, on your website I also saw that you're promoting or you're suggesting journaling so how does did how did journaling help you and how does journaling help your clients on that journey to become more authentic and using the strength we were given in an authentic way and in a powerful way.
Melissa Stuart 28:25
So I think a lot of times, again, people think that, oh, there are these things about me that are air quote weird or strange or other people don't get them. But were given to us for a purpose, and the job that I created for for everyone. Is it has a lot of deep questions that maybe people haven't really thought of before. For instance, my favorite question journal is, what are your core values, and I have a list of words in there that you can choose from and then journal out what those words mean to you and why they're important to you why they jumped out at you. And it really helps you start to know yourself better, and the more those the more and step into our authenticity and who we really are. I think a lot of times we just kind of go through life very reactive. And then we go, Oh, I didn't like that thing so now I'm a person that doesn't like that thing. Right. But a lot of times we don't take the time to really get to know ourselves and and ask ourselves the deep questions. So, so that's what the journal is and that's how it has helped me it's helped me really dig into why I think the things that I think where those thoughts come from.
It's really helped me to start understanding how I can shift, those thoughts, a lot of times but the number one thought I shifted in my life is. I'm, I'm sassy and audacious and kind of bitchy, but I'm actually not I'm a really really really loving person, I just want and need everyone to know that they can be themselves and I'm going to be myself too. So, when I am myself I'm not being bitchy I just have that self confidence and that self love that, that I'm not going to let anyone else make me feel bad about being who I am. Sorry for cussing.
Conny Graf 30:52
No worries. So because
Melissa Stuart 30:54
You can bleep that out.
Conny Graf 30:56
No, I will not. I think, like when you say, being bitchy, I don't think that is something that would come from us, I think that is also something that we were told by other people who can't take the truth, or who can take as being honest. Plus yes maybe we don't say it like in a really loving way maybe it came out bitchy but it doesn't mean that you are bitchy but I think like, yeah so
Melissa Stuart 31:33
totally i think i think how we speak is 99% of the issue right like communication is so hard like marriages right when you are married to someone, and you're trying to communicate my husband and I both speak English. We do not speak the same language all the time. We've had to really learn and understand how to hear the words that they're saying, but then also kind of read between the lines and ask for clarity and say, Hey, I heard that you said this, but I'm not totally sure, so this is what I heard this is how it came across to me is that what you meant and 90% of the time he's like, gosh no of course that's not what I meant I meant what I said. And it's like, okay, but like let's clarify it, and vice versa too right like I have my own way of communicating, because of how I grew up and him and him too. And so when we can really start to have those deeper loving conversations we can say, in a loving way like, Oh, I don't, that kind of hit me hard and I didn't really like how it made me feel this is what I felt when you said that. And then they can have the opportunity to clarify right but when we're. And that's a marriage right that's someone that you spend your whole everything with, and so can you imagine where the communication problems come from in friendships, or even just like business partners or, you know, just people out in the world. Dangerous Yeah, yeah, strangers texting on Facebook and things like that, like, we have our own way of communicating that we were brought up with and that totally affects the way that we are perceived by other people and so when you really start to step into that authenticity and and say things that you need to say in the most loving way that you can say them. I think it makes it a lot easier for people to understand you, rather than just like dumping it all out with zero regard for you know what, how other people will feel, of course we want to you know we don't want to make people feel like crap right so saying it in a loving way is it being open to ask those questions of clarity on this. Just being open minded I think will really help with us all being able to step into who we really are.
Conny Graf 34:14
So true. So, this has been really awesome Melissa so where can people find you Where would you want them to find you like are you on social media, what is your favorite platform.
Melissa Stuart 34:27
So I am on social media, Facebook is my favorite. You can either add me as a friend or you can come join our group live with audacity to monetize your purpose is the Facebook group, and then also my website is live with audacity now calm.
Conny Graf 34:43
Yeah, and you have a podcast too.
Melissa Stuart 34:45
I called Live with audacity have the audacity to be yourself and step into your purpose.
Conny Graf 34:53
Yeah, I highly suggest that you all go and check it out. Awesome. Any last words, maybe.
Melissa Stuart 35:02
Yeah, I would encourage all of your listeners to live with audacity and be yourself, be your most authentic self. It's so hard at the beginning, but keep trying, keep showing up keep doing the work to figure out who that person even is because I promise, when you start to step into who that person really is the opportunities, and the love that you experience and find, and the friendships that you build being your true self are just so fulfilling and, and you just feel so much joy being able to be your true self, it's just it's the most freeing experience and I encourage you all to try it.
Conny Graf 35:53
Thank you so much, Melissa for coming to the show and sharing your wisdom with us.
Melissa Stuart 35:58
Thank you for having me it means so much to me I appreciate it.
Conny Graf 36:02
Melissa Stuart 36:04
If you have any questions
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